When we forgive, we must trust. Both are hard to do; yet things we must do

We can have a hard time forgiving people and realizing that we are holding onto the hurt and anger that they caused us.

When we hold onto this, we are causing more bitterness and anger in ourselves so that we can’t trust other people.
Through this Devotional on The Bible Plan App called Psychology Forgiveness, I’ve learned a few things that I want to share.

“Forgiveness does not excuse the offending behavior. Forgiveness excuses the offender”. The behavior was not ok and not acceptable, but we let go to say I’m pot long allowing this to have a hold on me. I’m trusting that either this person will change or that I can make the change in myself.

I have a hard time trusting people. Some of it comes from wanting control and yet other times it is because of the hurt/things that others have done. This causes me to have more anxiety and worry about what others will do or won’t do then just seeing what will happen. There is so much out of our control and a lot of this has to do with others and the environment around us. I know we’ve all seen the posters of what we can and can’t control and it is so true. I can only control myself, my emotions, and behaviors; I can’t control how others react or what they do.

“When we forgive, we are saying to that person, you are bigger and better than what you did against me. I choose to see you over that action” (quote from devotional).

 Are you seeing past that person’s action or only that action? We must realize that the more we sit in that memory of that action the harder it is to let it go and truly see that person as a person who needs forgiveness.

When we can’t forgive, we are wanting to hold onto the memory so that we can see it and learn from it. Yet that’s not how this works. We already have learned from it but when we don’t forgive, we aren’t truly letting our heart be free from any hurt/anger. It is always easier to hold onto the hurt/anger than it is to let it go. Yet when we let it go, we are more at peace and feel better.

This devotional had some great practical’s for when the memories of the hurt are still there:

• Don’t be hard on yourself. The brain is functioning as normal and the command to forgive is abnormal.
• Be graceful, kind, and compassionate. Ephesians 4:32
• Be merciful. Mercy is the withholding of the punishment that someone deserves.
• Where possible and safe, make new positive memories

We can think we have to make new positive memories with that person but sometimes it comes down to making new memories with someone else to overcome the bad.

Trust that others won’t hurt you like the other people did. Trust that you will have all and continue to have all that is needed. Trust that when you let go that even if those people don’t know about it you can be a change in their life or someone else’s for not holding onto the anger/hurt.

We all need forgiveness and when we can’t forgive others it can be hard enough to forgive ourselves and see that others will forgive us for our mistakes.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago on January 21st I delivered my beautiful baby girl Lillian Jean. Now that it’s been 10 years I’ve realized how much I feel like I’ve missed out. I’ve missed out on celebrations, seeing her do certain things and even knowing her. Yet while I may have missed out on things, I can also imagine the things she would have liked. We as parents always want to know and imagine what our kids would like or do, and this is especially true for those who have lost a child. So why don’t we break the stigma of not imagining them? We can have the chance to imagine who they are and create a life we thought they would have.

I know personally by doing this, although it is emotionally hard, this has helped me see that I’m not missing out when I imagine her and what she would have liked. My imagination can go to so many things and be even closer to her.

Through the 10 years of her being gone I’ve realized I’ve taken more and more time to not speak up about what i need and how I honor my kids because it would get “awkward/uncomfortable” for people. Why take on other people’s protentional emptions when I need to deal with mine? I’m not saying to no be inconsiderate of people but when I need to do something in honor of my kids i shouldn’t be afraid of what others are going to think. When kids’ birthdays are thrown do we sit and care what other parents think or what our child would want and how they would feel loved? This is the same thing.

My children are a blessing from God and although they are not here i can still celebrate them and love them the best way i know how. We need to stop taking on so much of what others/society expects as we are the ones who are dealing with the grief and emotions not others around us.

We can do this by being there for each other, using our imagination and doing things that they would like or we would like in honor of them.

Keeping busy/ignoring the feelings makes it worse

It’s been a crazy 2020 for everyone. What I’ve noticed is that the more we keep ourselves busy the more we don’t feel the true emotions we should. We want to lock it away but that’s not always the best option.

This Christmas although overall was fun and great time with my family, I realized that it was especially hard seeing my sister-in-law and my twin sister pregnant. I didn’t get to experience the same sort of excitement and announcements like they did. Not only was I away in another state at a time for one of the Christmas’ but each of my children were born right after or before we found out what the sex was.

Although I had a hard time of being jealous, sad, hurt and longing for my own kids; I had to realize at the time it wasn’t beneficial for me to express those emotions. Now I’m so excited for my siblings and to be an aunt but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with certain emotions for me.

What I also realized was that when I take time away to push those feelings down & keep myself busy, I don’t always go back to them. I have to go back to them otherwise they get brought up in other areas of my life. I’ve noticed that I tend to over eat and not take good care of myself when I’m having multiple emotions that I’m not dealing with. I don’t talk about it and think that I can handle it all on my own instead of being open and honest with those around me.

I know that one day I will get to experience the same joy and love of a child coming and the child actually being here like my siblings do, but for now I have to realize that this time was hard for me.

I know that this year has been so hard on many people with not seeing families, other losses, and not going anywhere. If you have experienced this please take the time to feel this grief and understand it and be in what you are feeling. If it wasn’t the right time at the moment then go back to it, as it will continue to be something that you will need to understand and voice before it comes out in other ways.

2020 was hard for all of us, and although I’m not sure what 2021 will bring what I do know is that the lessons we’ve learned from 2020 can get us through 2021.

Bereaved Grandparents/Aunts/Uncles

When we go through our grief we tend to forget that our parents and siblings also go through their grief. They missed out on the opportunities to have those dreams and hopes as well.

It can feel like we ohnly talk about ourselves and not see that they are bereaved in their way too. They want ot be strong for us ans be there for us but they also are grieving and sad for not just us hurting but also their loss.

What have you done with your parents/siblings/friends to help them grief or remember your children?

I’ve placed a few things at my mom’s house so that they can nalso have a little piece of my kids whenever they want.

Thank you to all the grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends who’ve stood by us and who continue to give us hope and love and support even when they are going through their own tough time.

What do you say to those who ask “How many kids do you have?”

This is always a hard question for us to answer when someone asks. As a single person I don’t get asked this as much. It is “do you have any kids?”

We can either shy away and say no or we can tell them the truth. I think that as a person whose lost kids that even though it would make them uncomfortable that I don’t want to shy away from this. I will tell people I have 3 stillborns. Most people don’t know what that means so they will just say “oh ok” and then move on or others may say more. In the light of where we things are so taboo people tend to not ask to many questions. With this it can be a good and bad thing. I think that personally these are my children that I loved from the moment I found out I was pregnant. These are children that I carried in my womb and continue to carry in my heart. I’m going to tell my children about their brothers and sisters and so why not tell others?

I suggest that no matter what others say to get out there and let people know about your babies and tell them how many kids you do have.

This is always a hard question for us to answer when someone asks. As a single person I don’t get asked this as much. It is “do you have any kids?”

We can either shy away and say no or we can tell them the truth. I think that as a person whose lost kids that even though it would make them uncomfortable that I don’t want to shy away from this. I will tell people I he 3 stillborns. Most people don’t know what that means so they will just say “oh ok” and then move on or others may say more. In the light of where we things are so taboo people tend ot not ask to many questions. With this it can be a good and bad thing. I think that personally these are my children that I loved from the moment I found out I was pregnant. These are children that I carried in my womb and continue to carry in my heart. I’m going to tell my children about their brothers and sisters and so why not tell others?

I suggest that no matter what others say to get out there and let people know about your babies and tell them how many kids you do have.

October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Hello All,

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In 1988 Ronald Regan declared the month of October Pregnancy and Infant awareness month to honor those who’ve gone through this tragic loss.

We need to continue to educate ourselves on how we can prevent such tragedy and be there for others during this time. View the video for more information.

Grief can bring on more grief

Hey guys!

So last week was a tough week for me. My co worker passed away, my son’s death date was on Thursday and then found out my sister is pregnant.

I noticed that in all of those things that if only one of those things happened at one time that I probably wouldn’t have been as emotional as I normally would be. It’s interesting how when you grieve over one person then all the grief that is to come from something piles on. I was talking with a friend an noticed that I was actually ok with AJ’s day, and yet due to me feeling sad/confused/distraught over my co-worker’s death I had more feelings over AJ’s day and my sister being pregnant than I normally would.

Greif can come in many ways and it can continue to come even when you don’t want to or realize it. What I’ve also realized is that I put so much pressure on others to remember things because I don’t want to feel alone. I’ve been doing this for a long time and it gets tiresome being alone and feeling alone in this. I also felt like it wasn’t fair for my sister to have what I was suppose to have. Now granted it worked out for me not to be there but it didn’t change how I felt.

No one will ever truly know and understand what it is like to go through exactly what you’ve gone through. No one can ever experience what you felt with your baby and no one can ever feel the exact feeling’s you felt/feel when your baby isn’t there. What I do know is that people can still be there and that when you feel those feelings, feel them. Don’t let them be hidden by anything or not feel them, as eventually they will come out.

See the video below for more insight on where I was this week and what I learned.

When fear/anxiety is more consistent

So the past few weeks I’ve been having a lot of anxiety and fear. What do we do when we have fear and anxiety? Does it control our lives and thoughts and minds?

I’ve been allowing my anxiety and fear to control me a lot and lose sleep and etc. So what do I do to help with this?
I try to remember the past does not define our futures, remember the truths, talk to a friend about the realty, slow down and soak up the moment, and understand where this came from.

I know what it’s like to have uncontrollable anxiety that just gets in there and can’t stop it. The video will help you understand more about me and how I’ve worked withmy anxiety over the past couple of weeks.

Please note that i’m not a medical professional and I recommend that if you need to please see a doctor.

Being a Friend (What does that mean with child loss)

Hey Everyone,

I have my good friend Nissi on to discuss what it means to be a friend. She has been with me for the past 6 years now and we’ve grown in our relationship with each other and God.
She is going tell you how she was able to be a friend to me and what allowed her to not be uncomfortable in the uncomfortable times. Also she asks me some great questions too.

Some quick tips on how to be a friend through child loss:

• Be vulnerable
• Create an open and SAFE space for someone to sharsk follow up questions
• Ask follow up questions
• Take time to process/Examine self
• Be encouraging and engaging in that person when they need it the most
• Allow them to respond how they are able to in that moment (Meet people where they are at)

We all need people in our corner/community to help us grow and learn and be there during times that we can’t make it through.

“It is not just comforting to have someone else in our corner; it is scientifically proven to heal. We must be known in order to be healthy. We can’t control how people will respond once we’ve let them in on our struggles. Be the friend you wish others would be for you. ” – Quotes from “Get out of your head” by Jenni Allen

The more we build one another up and connect the sstronger the bond and the moer we actual heal and help others learn something new.

I employ you to try out some of these techniques and watch the video to see how you can be a friend to someone who is going through loss.

Thank you! 🙂

How do you forgiving yourself? How do you forgive others?

When things happen in our life we can go straight to what we or that person did wrong.

I blamed (and sometimes still blame) myself so much for things I couldn’t control with the kids passing. I don’t forgive myself for not doing something or not saying something or knowing something. I also hold onto what I’ve said in the past when I was in a state of grief. How is this helping myself to grow?

I know even now I can not say the right thing or say it in a way that hurts people. And even if they say they forgive me and we’ve moved on I still hold onto that guilt; I hold onto that resentment against myself for saying/doing something to someone.

So how do you forgive yourself? How do you forgive yourself over things you couldn’t control/things you wouldn’t have been able to stop? How do you forgive yourself for doing/saying stupid things that hurt others?

Another aspect of this is forgiving others. People have said numerous hurtful and rude things to me and yet I am called to forgive them. I tend to allow them more grace and understanding, by realizing they do not understand where I am at nor do they know what to say.
With this though how do you forgive others for the stupid things that have been said or done?

We all need forgiveness and I think it is is important to do practice this.

So comment below with your answers of how you forgive yourself and others?